[Music] Welcome to the Kill Count, where we tally up the victims in all our favorite horror movies. I’m James A. Janisse and today we’re looking at Killer Klowns From Outer Space, the cult classic from 1988 that was the only movie ever written and directed by the Chiodo Brothers who, if you didn’t know, are three special effects brothers who have done a lot of iconic stuff throughout the years. (creepy laugh) (screams) Killer Klowns is a must-see for anyone studying for their horror degree. It’s pretty much the king of cheesy B-movies and its plot is exactly what you want it to be – Evil space klowns invade a small town and kill people by putting them in cotton candy cocoons. And do you have any idea how many people a squad of space klowns can kill? I do, cause I made this video. Here, I’ll show you. [Music] The movie begins with the most bitchin’ song ever recorded, the title song by the Dickies. [Electric guitar and drums] The circus rock anthem plays over endless Chiodo brother credits as we check in at Top-of-the-World, a make-out place full of teenagers suckin’ face until an ice cream truck clown interrupts them with some naughty limericks. “We’ll give you the stick, you give it a lick!” Driving the truck is the Torenzi brothers, Rich and Paul, a pair of vaudevillian characters whose entrance involves a lot of obvious line-over-dubbing. “Cool off those hot lips with our tasty, frozen fruity bars!” Hard to believe anyone would wanna be friends with these out-of-sync vulgarians, and for the most part you’d be right, but they do have one friend who’s true blue – Mike Tobacco, played by our boy Grant Cramer from New Year’s Evil. Mike starts making out with his girlfriend Debbie in his dingy, heyya, but they’re still on first base when a ball of yellow light shoots across the sky. Mike must not be a very engaging lover cause Deb’s way more into the sky rock than his tongue magic, and she convinces him they should go find it instead of continuing to dry hump in his dingy, heyya! Nearby, Farmer Gene Green also saw the space ball and since he’s a well-read man he surmises it must be Halley’s Comet. He arms up with the help of the film’s prop master and sets out to build himself a Halley’s Comet Hot Dog stand with his bloodhound Pooh. That’s his dog’s name, he’s not carrying around actual bloodhound poo. He finds a circus tent in the woods which only gets him more excited. [Gene]: I love the circus! [James]: But as he’s looking for the ticket booth a clown shadow appears and, through the hole of the tent, nets himself one pooh dog. A bandana is all that’s left, so Gene Green gets mean and screams at the circus tent. [Gene]: I’ll tear this thing apart with my bare hands! [James]: But he’s in for a shock ’cause the circus has a natural defense that knocks him to the ground. The film’s first Killer Klown steps into frame, and they look like…horrifying. This clown’s name is Jumbo and he pulls out a gun to give us our first kill on the count. Gene Green? More like Gene Pink! Sgt. Curt Mooney of Crescent Cove PD drags a couple of punks into the station and tells them how he really feels. It’s scum like you that are killing this town!
[Dave]: Stop, Curt! [James]: Yeah, Mooney hates youth culture, probably ’cause of all those crazy antics at Faber college, but his deputy Dave Hanson’s all right, gettin’ real insubordinate and yelling at Mooney for being such a dick. Over the roads and through the woods, Mike and Deb find the circus tent and all of a sudden their interest in this little adventure flippy floppys. Mike’s fucking pumped to go into this place, sounding like a circus afficianado, This is that- that new wave European circus fantastique! [James]: and Deb wants to keep it down ’cause, come on Mike, it’s pretty fuckin’ weird in here. Is this place great or what? Or what. Place looks like it was decorated by Klowns R Us. Looks like it was decorated by…Klowns R Us! Oh…g-good joke. They keep goin’ and after beep-boopin’ on some buttons, they open a door that sucks ’em in and spits ’em out into a giant matte-painted room with a huge ass tesla coil thing in it. Yo Mike, dare you to touch it, it’ll make your hair stand up. Like, stand up more. Those lightning bolts are evidence enough for Deb to figure out what’s going on here. The shooting star we went to go look for, we are in it! [James]: They see a shadow coming down the hallway and run away, and behind Door #2 is a room full of giant pink fuzzy light bulbs. These truck-nuts-lookin’ things are cotton candy cocoons, and although their presence means there have been a bunch of victims, it’s not gonna be feasible for me to count ’em all, especially when we come back to this room later. It’s like the spaceship colony in Jason X, my hands are tied here. Deb’s justifiably freaking out but Mike’s chill as fuck. I’ve never seen anything like this before! Have you?! …No. He tries to prove to her it’s just a cotton candy storage facility but when he rips a cocoon open it reveals the bloody face of Gene Green, and it’s a nasty scene! The door opens and the lovebirds hide from this new klown Rudy, and they almost escape while Rudy’s doing klown business on his popcorn computer, until Mike sees another cocoon face he recognizes as some dude named Joe Lombardo. Since it’s a confirmed and visible kill, I’ll put Joe on the list. Mike and Deb flee and Rudy arms himself with a big gun that he uses to shoot popcorn after them, which flies through the air and sticks to their clothes when they jump out of the tent. [Deb]: Popcorn? Why popcorn? [Mike]: ‘Cause they’re clowns, that’s why! Rudy’s joined by Spike who does some space clown magic and creates a balloon dog that they use to track Mike and Deb. [Barking] It leads the klowns to Mike’s SUV right as he and Debbie make their getaway. On the way out, we get a gross close-up of a klown’s face when Bibbo jumps onto their windshield. Mike shakes him off but don’t worry about Bibbo, he sits up like Jason X and joins a whole bunch of other klowns as they waddle their dumpy asses towards the sleepy town of Crescent Cove. Deb and Mike go to the police station since Deb’s apparently friends with Dave. They tell him about the bodies they saw, “…in those- those pink, cotton candy cocoons!” and go all in on their crazy tale, saying the tent was a spaceship and that they were attacked by klowns. Mooney walks in and whistles the movie title, “Killer klowns from outer space…” then dismisses Mike and Deb as crazy kids after recognizing Mike – not as Derek, son of Blaze, but as a friend of those crazy Torenzi brothers. Dave’s at least willing to check out their story so they leave as Mooney heckles them. “Make a dummy outta yourself! But you’re not gonna make a dummy outta me!” Later on, that line will seem ironic. In the car, Mike discovers that Dave and Deb used to date. Maybe they broke up because Dave’s so damn controlling, insisting on dropping Deb off at home cause klown chasin’ ain’t no place for a proper lady. Even Mike tells her to just stay safe at home and let the manly men handle the space klowns. But don’t worry Deb, you’re not missin’ much, ’cause when Mike takes Dave to the woods the circus tent is gone and in its place is just a giant crater. I’d still say that warrants looking into but Dave gets pissed and cuffs Mike with a second-degree charge of clownin’ around. Meanwhile the klowns have been having their own adventures about town. First, at a random smokey park gazebo, a towheaded guy comes across a puppet show. Although he’s skeptical at first, the play’s message about the hardships of unrequited love eventually wins him over. But then Spike unfolds from the booth and shoots him with his cotton candy gun, cocooning the kid and giving a truly hideous laugh. (hideous laugh) Woah, that was actually kinda creepy, yo. Rudy the Klown finds his way to a drugstore where he apes an animatronic and then follows a couple of girls inside. The next time we see him, he’s knockin shit over and those girls are cocoons, giving us a twofer to add to the count. Now they’re gonna be all like “I can’t believe you wore the same outfit as me!” Elsewhere, a lady lounging with a wine glass opens her door and gives the weirdest reaction to a pizza delivery I’ve ever seen. “Oh…pizza.” It’s a Trojan pizza though, since Shorty, my favorite clown, pops out with a gun and shoots her, turning her into a wine-flavored cotton candy sack. A similar gag is done with another lady, who opens the door to Fatso the Clown giving her a box of chocolates. While she ain’t looking, Fatso pulls out his gun, and although we don’t see him fire it I think it’s safe to put her on the list. Another vignette gives us the most memorable kill of the movie, when Shorty rides his tricycle up to a gang of bikers. One of them steps forward and taunts the little clown, going so far as to smash his trike into a bunch of pieces. Shorty makes little sad noises but then jumps into the air and returns with an adorable pair of boxing gloves. “Put up your dukes! Put up your dukes!” As he preps himself for the fight, the biker gives him a great idea. “What’re you gonna do, knock my block off?” (screams) “Damn!” Damn is right, watch that body hit the floor! As the bikers flee, Shorty also gives a horrifying clown laugh. (laugh) Ugh! On their way back to the police station, Dave and Mike pass by Top of the World lookin’ all disheveled. Inside a cotton candy-filled truck they find some glasses that Mike recognizes as belonging to a dude named Bob McReed seen in the beginning of the movie, and played by a young Christopher Titus. And if you have a problem with me including him on the Kill Count, don’t blame me, blame Mike. “They got him! He’s dead!” See? Not my call. At the police station, Mooney starts getting calls complaining about clowns. One of the calls is from Mr. Myers, the pharmacist, who’s been having a difficult customer in the form of Rudy. I’ll add Myers to the count since we hear him scream over the phone then go silent, and cause you know Rudy wasn’t bout to pay for all those vitamins. Mooney just thinks this whole thing is some kind of crazy plot against him. Get over yourself, dude. You’re so vain you probably think these clowns are about you. Another clown vignette shows a dude is speeding down the road when a tall-ass klown named Slim pulls up next to him – but it looks he’s riding nothing at all! Slim starts ramming his invisible vehicle into the dude’s car, then Slim Slams him right off the road, sending his car crashing in a ditch. Slim watches as the car burns and punctuates the kill with one more creepy klown laugh. (laugh) Back at home where apparently women belong, Deb undresses to take a shower, but this movie’s PG-13, kids, so don’t expect to see Little Debbie’s Mini Muffins. You can watch as these pieces of popcorn slide around on the bathroom floor unnoticed, though, and as her hamper, full of popcorn she didn’t bother picking off her clothes, begins to shake while she’s in the shower. Kinda. Meanwhile, behind a Big Top Burger, Jumbo the klown is planting popcorn trees in a dumpster. Later a Big Top Burger Boy comes out and hears a noise inside so he opens the lid to find none other than EEEEEVIL! Nah, just kidding, we don’t see what pulls him inside right now but his screams ensure that he belongs on our Kill Count, bringing us to a dozen. Betcha can’t guess how high this count goes. You’ll have a better idea after the next scene, when Slim appears at a bus stop and starts charming the people there with some shadow puppets that are super impressive for a dude with the same number of fingers as a Simpsons character. Mike and Dave happen to be driving around when they spot the clown giving his grand finale, a T-Rex that rears back its head and swallows the five people all at once. “Holy shit!” Holy shit is right, Mike, ’cause now we’re at 17 kills, even though people who can’t do math will leave comments saying it should be 18. Dave radios in to Mooney to tell him klowns are real, but Mooney is still ego-tripping and tells Dave off. “Fuck you, over!” He’s busy ignoring phone calls of people getting straight up klown murdered when Jumbo strolls into the station. Mooney cuffs him with a FIRST degree charge of clownin’ around, but Jumbo’s a recidivist, so he slips out of the handcuffs in a funny way and clown-strafes his way to the back. Mooney follows him to the cells where, at gunpoint, he throws him in the slamma. But being behind bars can’t stop Jumbo from blowing a noise maker, which looks like a cat in the hat scarf as it grabs Mooney by the neck and slams him against the cell door. I guessss this kills him, so I’ll go ahead and put him on the list. His death means Jumbo is left unattended in the cell with the punks. “What’re you in for?” Clown stuff. Mike sees the Torenzi brothers chasing after their runaway ice cream truck and leaves Dave so he can get the bros to help them out. They’re skeptical of his evil space clown story, but he convinces them to take him to Debbie’s house by telling them a little white chocolate lie. “She’s got two beautiful roommates! With big boobs!” “Do they like ice cream?” “They love it!” (together)
“What are we waitin’ for?!” Dave arrives at the station to find the lights are all off and nobody’s home. He follows some wacky clown footprints to the back where he finds two cotton candy cocoons in the jail cell. They’re verified as the punks when he peels back some candy to find one of their faces. The other punk’s arm drops down and spooks him. Poor punks, they didn’t even get their phone call. Then Dave runs into a straight-up nightmare with Jumbo showing off Mooney’s corpse, done up with Raggedy Andy make-up. The klown uses Mooney’s dead body to freakin’ talk to Dave “Don’t worry, Dave. All we wanna do is kill ya.” and by time he pulls a bloody hand out of Mooney’s back, you’ve forgotten you were watching a fun and silly B movie. Dave shoots at Jumbo but it don’t do shit until he aims a shot squarely at his nose, which blows up in a glittery mess. Jumbo spins around and blows up entirely, becoming our first Killer Klown on the list. Mike still hasn’t gotten the Torenzi brothers to believe him, so it’s a good thing they turn the corner right into a cavalcade of proof. It’s a Killer Klown parade AKA the most annoying fucking scene I’ve ever had to kill count. Here’s what I’m gonna do – I’ma highlight the cocoons I see and put a little number next to them so you can count along with me, all right? So in that first shot there’s one in the far distance. A klown takes a second and tosses it out a window to another klown, who adds it to a pile of five more cocoons. Got those? We’re at 7. We see another cocoon in this klown’s arms as they walk down a street, that’s 8, and three more by a random Loading Zone sign makes 11. The klowns vacuum up number 12 and in the background you can see 13 and even 14. There’s a guy hiding under a car and is that another cocoon by him? Nah son, we already counted it as number 13 – notice the same blue car and Gallery storefront in both shots? And finally when homeboy makes a run for it he gets shot in the back and turned into number 15 for our grand total of Klown parade victims. Hoof! Mike and the Torenzis turn around and leave, while back at her house, Deb has finally finished taking the longest shower in horror movie history. We counted 24 kills while you were in there wasting water, lady! And during that time the popcorn has grown into little nasty klown boys who emerge from the hamper and her medicine cabinet looking like rejected Bowser minions. There’s nowhere for her to run, really – she’s got klowns outside her door, klowns outside her window, and eventually klowns inside her house. Slim shoots her with a special gun that puts her inside a big yellow balloon ball. Mike rolls up to her house right as Slim is tying Deb to the back of his car. He drives away with her and Mike gives chase, passing Dave who also joins the fray so now we’ve got a Blues Brothers-esque chase sequence goin’ on. They wind up in a little fender bender that totals Dave’s police car – thought those things were built better than that – so they all pile into the truck and excitedly head to the film’s final act. “If you were a clown where would you hide?”
“The amusement park!” “Great!”
“All right!” Waiting for them there is a graveyard shift amusement park security guard whose lunch is a sandwich he pulls out of his jacket. Christ, that’s sad. When Slim pulls up and steps out of his car, the guard tries to tell him to go on and git, but in true clown car fashion a whole buncha more klowns get out, and now they’ve all got cream pies. “What are you gonna do with those pies, boys?” They’re gonna kill ya mutha fucka! They cover the guy in pie goop, which is harmless fun at first, but then the dude starts fuckin’ melting into a nasty bloody mess that the klowns stroll by on their way inside. At least Shorty has the decency to decorate his remains with a cherry. Our bumbling foursome arrives and heads into the big circus tent that used to be in the woods. They slink around this leftover Pee Wee’s Big Adventure set until the Torenzi brothers get separated when they fall into a ball pit. They resurface to find a couple of female klowns waiting for them with ever-inflating chests. “Are you Debbie’s roommates?” Mike and Dave press on until they wind up back in the cotton candy storage room and THIS is why I can’t count those bodies, folks. Sorry but it’s literally impossible with all these different shots and angles. They hide when a klown named Chubby enters and watch as he takes out a big bendy straw. He sticks it in the cocoon, and drinks a bunch of blood from it. That’s right, these klowns be here to eat people! Mike and Dave find Deb’s balloon and shoot her way out of it. As they flee, more klowns show up and give chase, and Dave winds up adding another couple klowns to the list. First he shoots a random green-haired klown in the nose, causing it to blow up, and then as Deb and Mike slide down a firepole, he also shoots Fatso in the nose and kills him, too. There’s more Big Top Clown stuff like a Sarlaac at the bottom of the firepole, doorframes that jiggle and giggle, and a big angler fish hallway that’s filled with balloons and fog machine smoke. The klowns chase them through all this until they get to a series of doors. “Another door! Another door?! Another door?!?!” On the other side of all those doors is a big open room where an assload of klowns start coming out to get ’em. The Torenzi brothers bust through the wall in their ice cream truck and transfix the Killer Klowns by pretending to be The Great and Powerful Jojo through their truck’s speaker system. We’re just not gonna ask what the brothers did with those lady klowns. Before they can all get away, shit gets serious and the other klowns all make way, make way for a big old crazy clown puppet who descends from the ceiling. This is Jojo the Klownzilla, and he don’t fuck around. Mike, Deb, and Dave get away but the Torenzis are still inside their truck when Jojo starts beating down on its roof and throws it off to the side to explode in a fiery mess. Dave tells Mike and Deb to get away as he distracts Jojo with some gunfire. After they escape the Big Top Tent it pulls up stakes and starts spinning around like a, well, like a big top. It lifts off into the air right as some other police officers arrive on the scene. Inside the tent, Dave runs out of ammo and Jojo picks him up, but Dave’s a resourceful mofo and uses his badge to pop Jojo’s nose. Jojo spins around and, ho boy, it’s gonna be a big one! So big in fact that when he blows up the entire tent spaceship blows up too, leaving a real nice fireworks show behind. A smoking clown car lands in front of Mike and Deb, but don’t worry, inside the car is just Dave. Oh, and the Torenzi brothers, cause they’re still alive. “But I saw you guys get blown up in the ice cream truck!” “Oh, we hid in the freezer with the ice cream!” Hey if it worked for Indiana Jones, why not the Torenzi brothers? Mike, Deb, and Dave share a laugh, Mike apparently cool with Deb getting back with Dave, judging by those shoulder rubs and head kisses. Or hey, maybe they ’bout to work out a nice polyamorous relationship or somethin’? In any case, the movie ends with pies falling from the sky and hitting our heroes in the face. Best hope those aren’t acid pies, kids. We’ll never know, since the long-awaited sequel to this movie never materialized. Guess we’ll just have to settle with one movie worth of kills, which we can go count up at the numbers. (splat) CLOOOOWNS!!! (music) (muffled)
Friggin’ clowns- My list had 40 victims in Killer Klowns From Outer Space, meaning we’re starting the new year with a new record. The demographics were a friggin’ mess – I’ve got 16 men, 6 women, 4 space klowns and 14 cocoon victims of unknown gender. With a runtime of 86 minutes that’s a kill on average every 2.15 minutes. Damn! I’ll give the golden chainsaw for coolest kill to the biker guy. The kill’s got the best klown, a memorable line, and a decapitation all in one. Dull Machete for lamest kill will go to Sgt. Mooney, cause you can tell from the shadows that he doesn’t even touch the jail cell bars. FAAAAKE! And that’s it! Killer Klowns From Outer Space was released in 1988 and is a great kick-off Kill Count for 2018. On Friday I’ll have the 2011 The Thing prequel for you but until then I’m James A. Janisse. This has been the Kill Count. Thanks a lot for watching my Kill Count for Killer Klowns From Outer Space. I wanna thank some of my patrons like Rachel Malone, Mitchell McVay, Alex Vera, and Xavier Lopez. Chelsea learned how to do a balloon animal dog like the minute before I started recording. That wasn’t her first attempt, though. This was. I guess since today’s New Year’s, happy New Year’s! Go ahead and let me know what your resolutions are in the comments. Thanks a lot for watching. See you in four days!